TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But yes, guaranteed, let's have A further area in which American Males can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer Anyone a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he must cease utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the job, replied, "You know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from space, a attribute staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams Trump Tower Damascus have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not just unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Attributes


Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors could ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "When you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is now attracting interest from Worldwide investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel wherever my PTSD can have flip-down service."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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